All those years ago when you was growing in my tummy
People would say things and give me advice
Most of it seemed kind of funny
“You just wait” they said ... “life will never be the same!”
Stories of dirty nappies, temper tantrums and “oh the sleepless nights!“ they’d proclaim
A baby wouldn’t change me! I thought I’ll just ignore
I won’t lose who I am and become a baby bore ....
But then you arrived and my world ... it shattered in two
I’d get a knot in my stomach if someone else was holding you
I’d feel sick at the thought of someone taking you away
The outside world seemed scary so I’d stay in all day
And when we did go out I’d clutch the pram so hard my knuckles were white
Every little noise, a breeze through the trees... would give me such a fright
You were too perfect. I didn’t deserve you so it was only a matter of time
Before something terrible happened and you were no longer mine
A car would crash into us. I’d see it clear as day.
The blood, the trauma the wails and the grief
I’d see it flash before my eyes.
This was my inner belief
I couldn’t keep you safe. Something was going to happen.
I knew this for sure
And as the days turned into weeks I just saw these scenes more and more.
One day I sat and sobbed in my car ... I couldn’t get a space near the shop doors and walking was too far
I didn’t have a sun hat and it was really sunny outside
You was certainly going to burn. So I sat and I cried and cried...
Then one day. When my friend asked if everything was alright
I nodded and said yes and tried to be polite
But something happen that had never happened before
She asked again, with concern.... and this time I couldn’t ignore
I blurted it all out; barely drawing breath.
My fears and my worries ... how everything scared me to death
Once I’d said it aloud I felt an instant release
I realised I didn’t have to feel way forever ...
if I talked and I reasoned .... in time the thoughts would cease
And the more I talked to other mums I had known
I saw that it was common and all of us were silently suffering alone.
So now I tell everyone of the time I cried in my car.
I tell them to talk about their feelings.
It’s okay to be scared.
It doesn’t define who you are.
Written by Korrin Savage of Mumaroo